So after a lot of head-scratching, here's the list I've come up with:
- I have symmetrical moles. That's weird, isn't it? One on my left shoulder, and another smack-bang in the same place on the other shoulder. One on my forearm, and its exact mirror-image on the other arm. Right buttock, left buttock. They're always giggling about it at our Friday covens. "Oh, there goes Old Symmetrical-Moles," they smirk. Glass houses, brethren and cistern! People running around the woods sky-clad oughtta practice a little forbearance!
- I don't like my food touching. Those peas had better stay right the hell away from those mashed potatoes, or there'll be seven kinds of hell to pay. Wonder Woman has threatened to buy me one of those partitioned dinner-plates so she doesn't have to put up with my complaining. Oh, the ribbing I used to take for it back at Juvie Hall! You'd think they'd put up with a few personal eccentricities from a cross-dresser, but nooooo!
- I boil my guitar-strings after they've lost their oomf. This restores their springiness, strips away all that nasty, corrosive finger-crud, and lengthens their life. This simple economy saves me at least twenty clams a year -- not a sum to be sneezed at! GG Allin loved it when I showed it to him, and ordered the rest of The Scumfucks to institute the practice -- boy, did that make me unpopular with my bandmates!
- In cold, dry weather I always rap a metal doorknob with my knuckle before touching it. This grounds the static electricity built up in my body, and prevents those nasty little arcing shocks you get. You'd think this would be a useful little habit to develop -- better the predictable minor discomfort from the rap than the surprising jolt you get from those doorknobs, see what I'm saying? Sure -- you get it, but when I showed the trick to the gang at the Klavern, you'd have thought I had two heads!
- I have two heads. Oh -- and a vestigial ninth nipple, which scares the kiddies a little bit down at the swimming pool. That's OK -- I just unhinge my jaw and threaten to swallow one of 'em whole, with a little of the ol' "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" thrown in for effect. That breaks the ice -- and I meet a lot of MILFs that way.