Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Dig It

Blue Wren has tagged me with this meme-thingy where I'm supposed to reveal five things about myself that are weird. I've given the thing quite a lot of thought, and frankly I had a lot of trouble coming up with anything. I mean, yeah, I have a secretary named Lincoln, and Lincoln had a secretary named Neddie Jingo -- I'll admit that's a little unusual, but really that falls under the category of coincidence, not personal eccentricity. I asked Betty this morning if she thought anything was weird about me, but I think she thought it was some kind of trick question. All the way on our morning drive to Taxidermy Camp, she sat in stony silence, and startled visibly when I addressed her. My co-workers down at the Society for the Promotion of Cruelty to Animals were also a little put off by the question, and all day I noticed that people found excuses to leave the room when I came in.

So after a lot of head-scratching, here's the list I've come up with:
  1. I have symmetrical moles. That's weird, isn't it? One on my left shoulder, and another smack-bang in the same place on the other shoulder. One on my forearm, and its exact mirror-image on the other arm. Right buttock, left buttock. They're always giggling about it at our Friday covens. "Oh, there goes Old Symmetrical-Moles," they smirk. Glass houses, brethren and cistern! People running around the woods sky-clad oughtta practice a little forbearance!

  2. I don't like my food touching. Those peas had better stay right the hell away from those mashed potatoes, or there'll be seven kinds of hell to pay. Wonder Woman has threatened to buy me one of those partitioned dinner-plates so she doesn't have to put up with my complaining. Oh, the ribbing I used to take for it back at Juvie Hall! You'd think they'd put up with a few personal eccentricities from a cross-dresser, but nooooo!

  3. I boil my guitar-strings after they've lost their oomf. This restores their springiness, strips away all that nasty, corrosive finger-crud, and lengthens their life. This simple economy saves me at least twenty clams a year -- not a sum to be sneezed at! GG Allin loved it when I showed it to him, and ordered the rest of The Scumfucks to institute the practice -- boy, did that make me unpopular with my bandmates!

  4. In cold, dry weather I always rap a metal doorknob with my knuckle before touching it. This grounds the static electricity built up in my body, and prevents those nasty little arcing shocks you get. You'd think this would be a useful little habit to develop -- better the predictable minor discomfort from the rap than the surprising jolt you get from those doorknobs, see what I'm saying? Sure -- you get it, but when I showed the trick to the gang at the Klavern, you'd have thought I had two heads!

  5. I have two heads. Oh -- and a vestigial ninth nipple, which scares the kiddies a little bit down at the swimming pool. That's OK -- I just unhinge my jaw and threaten to swallow one of 'em whole, with a little of the ol' "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" thrown in for effect. That breaks the ice -- and I meet a lot of MILFs that way.
If I don't issue five more tags, the chain will be broken; the last time somebody did that, the bank foreclosed on his mortgage, the Mob busted the door down, and they found his headless body floating in the Hudson near Staten Island. Poor Uncle Lavage!

The FBI
The CIA
The BBC
BB King
Doris Day
Matt Busby

11 comments:

Gavin M. said...

So wait a second. I borrowed a Les Paul from GG Allin's guitarist once, and had to promise not to take the used tampons off the tuning machines. Hilarity ensued at the session, etc.

I feel somehow that you're laughing at me, Ned.

Annapolitan said...

Wow! Symmetrical moles and an accessory nipple? I have an accessory mole and symmetrical nipples!

What are the chances?

XTCfan said...

and they found his headless body floating in the Hudson near Staten Island

At least we now know where you got that second head (and why it's so easy to unhinge the jaw on it)...

XTCfan said...

BTW, you know what kind of search-results freaks you're going to get in here, now that you've mentioned GG Allin and Al Swearengen & Co. (among other things) in proximate posts, right?

I'm just gonna sit over here, play my tmdbla, and wait for them to arrive...

Kevin Wolf said...

I got tagged on this meme, am having trouble delivering, and will now have even more trouble.

Matt said...

That's SIR Matt Busby to you, you nine nippled, knob knocking Yankee arse.

glue birl said...

!!!!!!!

:)

I'd type more actual letters, but I can't coordinate my fingers with all the laughing going on over here!

:)

Bobby Lightfoot said...

My cock has an eye at th' end.

It's not that fun when you think about it. Picture a tonsil racing towards you and away from you. Three, four times.

Bobby Lightfoot said...

Dude, did I tell you I did sound for GG Allin? Before the end? And he shoved a sm58 up his ass?

And the band th' next night complained about the smell of the vocal mic? And I explained what had happened?

Could I make this up?????

I think n-n-n-not.

Gavin M. said...

And the band th' next night complained about the smell of the vocal mic? And I explained what had happened?

Oh yeah, I'm familiar with that smell.

I was supposed to be in the '87 NYC version of the Scumfucs, but Thurston Moore bigfooted the guitar slot.

The Heretik said...

Only two heads?