Jurisprudence, Redux

I have to confess myself a tad frustrated. A sad case of writer's block, no doubt vitiated by the pounds of Vicodin on which I've been chowing down following surgery, has gummed up the creative juices to the point of viscosity. I've got two lovely posts -- an appreciation of unsung Guitar God Peter "Ollie" Halsall (complete with killer primary-source quotes from Andy Partridge) and an Al Swearengen Guest Post on the intellectual vacuity of that most pointless waste of human effort, the Corporate Mission Statement -- festering incomplete, leering and taunting, in my Drafts folder.

All of which goes to explain my gratitude for the email I received from the tireless xtcfan this morning. The message provided a followup to a post that appeared in the Friendly Confines this January, in which I speculated on the stream of consciousness of an Oklahoma judge who stood accused of using a penis-pump on himself and shaving his nutsack while seated on the bench during criminal proceedings.

If this sucker doesn't write itself, then the phrase has no meaning.

When last we visited the distinguished juror, the Formerly Honorable Creek County (OK) District Judge Donald Thompson, he stood accused on four counts of indecent exposure. The Probable Cause Report in the case is a cornucopia of exquisite imagery and thought-provoking euphemism:

Juror Rhonda Blansett's expected testimony will be that during the Vomberg Trial she observed Judge Donald D. Thompson's facial expression changing in conjunction with the air noises [caused by the pump] and the movement of the judge's right arm....

Juror Sharaan Ronish's expected testimony will be that during the Vomberg Trial she heard an air pumping noise... Ms. Ronish will also testify that when she heard the air pumping noise she saw Judge Thompson's right arm tighten and flex repeatedly. Ms. Ronish described the pace of the pumping noise as starting out slow and then becoming more rapid....

Juror Ralph Jones' expected testimony will be that he observed [Thompson] looking down a lot and that he and the other jurors couldn't figure out what he was doing. Mr. Jones thought perhaps the judge was tying fishing lures, or something like that.

Yes. Or something like that. In the gigantic corpus of slang expressions for flogging the bishop, "tying fishing lures" might not be absolutely the most memorable, but perhaps in rural Oklahoma, where fly-fishing is a secular religion, it may carry more resonance.

Now Judge Thompson's trial is under way, and I'm quietly pleased to see that the affair continues to provide details that are both delectable and mortifying. One's sense of propriety and respect for decency are sorely tested by the testimony; I find it shamefully impossible to read the following without blasting a noseful of Mountain Dew all over my keyboard:

Foster further testified that during a 2002 trial, she heard the pump "during the emotional testimony of a murdered toddler's grandfather." She continued: "The grandfather was getting real teary-eyed, and the judge was up there pumping on that pump. It was sickening."

Most interestingly, I never drink Mountain Dew.