Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Ides


It has come to our attention that a historic travesty of epic proportions is about to be corrected -- and not a minute too soon.

A Dark-Ages manuscript-copying error in an Irish monastery in approximately 800 AD led to the erroneous spelling of the dismal month in which we find ourselves. It is not March. We inhabit the month of Narch.

An understandable flub, I'll admit. Handwriting in that unenviable era was notoriously sloppy, and many of the world's current travails stem from simple mistranslations and poorly proofread Biblical verses. The injunction in Leviticus against the eating of shellfish was originally a prohibition against the carnal knowledge of barnyard animals. The monk responsible for this error had an irrational hatred of fried clams (and who doesn't, eh?), and read far too much into the original Hebraic. (This should not be taken as an exhortation to run out and boink the nearest goat. That is, and always will be, wrong. Verbal permission must always be obtained beforehand, and goats capable of issuing such consent are mighty thin on the ground. "Na-a-a-a" means "na-a-a-a.")

Now we find ourselves in the difficult position of attempting to convince the world to change a million million calendars -- rather like standing athwart history and yelling "It's Narch!" But I'm convinced we few, we happy few, can get the job done.

The first task is to socialize the idea. The upcoming NCAA basketball tournament must be referred to, wherever possible, as "Narch Nadness." The actor who, in a community production of "Julius Caesar," enjoins Caesar to "beware the Ides of Narch," wins plaudits from our righteous movement. One must be careful, though. Repetition of "Narching to Pretoria" and "steal a narch" only muddies the waters and sows confusion.

In other news, did that Jon Stewart cat administer a can of whoop-ass on Jim Cramer or what? Amiright? Woooo!

6 comments:

Yodood said...

Don't forget our mission to Nars. You know the planet originally thought to be the inspiration for the month, nothing like revenge for inspiration.

xjmueller said...

Ahhh, the Ides of Narch, playing their hit tune "Wehicle" (and if you're from Berwyn, IL, that's not an unlikely pronunciation among bucia's generation.)

I got a kick out of Stewart vs Cramer. I feel kinda bad for Cramer who's a hoot to watch, but not that bad - particularly after seeing the tape of him discussing how to boost a fund. Stewart's right. How can any of the financial news orgs be taken seriously when they're dishonest with the sudience and shill for the investment industry. I've watched the full show twice now, and still feel as uncomfortable as Stewart says he was doing the show.

Neddie said...

Takes a bit of the sting out of declaring "nartial law," doesn't it... Getting your black belt in Nartial Arts... Santa Claus Conquers the Nartians...

Neddie said...

Tee hee! Nars Needs Women!

giggles said...

I'm a permanent convert to the Daily Show in place of the local daily news....

Cramer needed his ass wupped...as does everybody else on that money entertainment channel....

bobby lightfoot said...

I meself was born on the 8th of Anus.