Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sarcoptes Scabiei Var. Hominis

We find ourselves afflicted with scabies. Possibly caught from the dogs, possibly from walking through tall grass, possibly from human contact.

During withdrawal, junkies report the sensation of bugs crawling under the skin. Frankly, I think they're whining whelplings, and should shut the hell up until they've had bugs literally crawling under their skin. Sweet Jesus on a Segway, is this miserable.

We've sought attention from Medical Science, and treatment is quite trivial. A lotion, applied once head to toe, stops the little bastards in their (non-figurative) tracks. The pharmacy was out of stock of this miracle potion yesterday (a situation that drew howls of protest from we sufferers), but they attest they have replenished their stocks today. Not one hyperpruritic minute too soon.

So if one with rabies can be said to be "rabid," can one with scabies be said to be "scabid"? Apparently not; the term of art is "scabietic" -- yet another example of the perfidiousness of the Mother Tongue.

Tune in next week, when some other goddamned nineteenth-century affliction will be upon us. Will it be impetigo? Rheumatism? Chilblains? Ricketts? Only a cruel and capricious Creator knows...

Now excuse me, I've got some itching to do.

Update, 7/17: Treatment seems to have been 100% effective. Itch gone, lesions fading. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for insecticides.


giggles said...


reincheque said...

scabies be damned

Annapolitan said...

Years and years ago, a friend of mine caught these from a visiting relative. The bad part was that she was pregnant at the time and her doctor wouldn't give her the one effective prescription strength lotion available because it was a PESTICIDE. She went into labor about 12 hours later.

Labor AND scabies. I would have opted for general anesthesia at that point. She managed to get through it all, only to be told afterward that she couldn't have the prescription lotion because now she was breastfeeding.

JD said...

I suspect gout may be next.

Anonymous said...

I had a similar misfortune about two years ago. Couple things you might want to know:

1) The active ingredient in Nix (for lice) kills the scabies critters.

2) They keep coming back over and over and over and over and over prompting thoughts of suicide if you aren't super-proactive. I'd recommend applying whatever treatment you choose at least once a week for at least a month, maybe two.

Good luck with it; fortunately things start getting better pretty quickly once you get some treatment going.

Anonymous said...

Might I suggest St Vitus Dance?

Bobby Lightfoot said...

Had 'em in Chile. Good tymes.

Stay away from microscopes.

roxtar said...

Oh, dude. I had a case in college. I literally filed my fingernails into points, all the better to scratch "down there."

At least it's not yaws. Or gleet.

cleek said...

i had em when i was in elementary school. yick. it's like poison ivy that crawls.

Kwell FTW, tho.

mac said...

Hey Neddie,

I recommend Arnica Liniment, the nerve and bone oil

Cures Neuralgia, Chilblains, Fresh wounds, Ring Bone, Spavin, foundered feet, cracked heels spring halt and Teh mange.

Also, for diseases peculiar to horses and cattle