Wednesday, April 08, 2009

I Suppose This Would Be a Desirable Outcome

We Lovettsvillians are a quiet lot. Not for us are the hurly-burly of the city, the harum-scarum of the urban scene. We reject even the argy-bargy of the outer suburbs. We don't smoke marijuana in Lovettsville; we don't make a party out of lovin', and we like holdin' hands and pitchin' woo. Furthermore, leather boots are still in style for manly footwear; beads and Roman sandals won't be seen. Football's still the roughest thing on campus, and the kids here still respect the college dean. ("Dipso" Jimmy Callahan -- Dean of Your Bedroom at Patrick Henry College. Finest, most upstanding man from here all the way to Brunswick, MD -- if a bit fond of the ichors of grape and grain, he slings a mean pinochle hand.)

So it was, I must concede, a bit of a shock to find, at the convergence of Mountain Road and Morrisonville, a harbinger of the encroachment of the aforementioned hurly etc.:

Stop Disney Porn
That I was constrained to screech the brakes, yank the Pathfinder through 180 degrees, and photograph this graffito is evidence enough of the rarity of the malign urban influence in these parts. Not since Lovettsville Pizza and Subs added ricotta cheese to its selection of toppings has such a citified thing as the alteration of stop-signs to support some political cause or other been seen in these parts. Hens' teeth would rain from the sky before one of us began tagging public property.

But I must confess some bewilderment as to the cause being advanced here. "Stop," "Disney," and "Porn" are three words I had honestly never expected to see collected together in one sentence -- and yet there they are. A Google search suggests that they might be referring to this unfortunate yet hardly world-shaking incident, in which some narsty narsty moviefilm was accidentally transmitted over Disney's cable network. But it seems hardly worth defacing roadway signage over. Whey-faced apologies were issued and accepted. We moved on.

But it is the presence of the word "please" in the graffito that makes me glow with pride for our small-town weltanschauung. It is of no importance in what manner the Disney corporation is degrading our public airwaves with money shots and degraded-slut antics; in our from-the-bowels-of-hell outrage against it, we still remember Emily Post. If the DFHs who ended the Vietnam war with their chants and self-immolations had only included a few pleases and thank-yous in their arsenal, the war would have ended in approximately 1968.

"Hey, hey, LBJ, please be so kind as to inform us, how many kids did you kill today?"

It has a Virginia-Nice ring to it, don't you think?


Linkmeister said...

Virginia is for lovers.

And boy howdy am I glad I left before our car had to carry that idiotic slogan around on its plates.

Neddie said...

The whole thing was caused by a desperate cultural misunderstanding, Links. The original draft of the PR campaign had it, "Virginia is for Bruvvahs"; in 1969, general incomprehension of Jamaican dub-reggae patois, still five years off in the future, led to the currently still active (and, as you so accurately point out, idiotic) slogan. Pity, that; our state song might have been penned by Lee "Scratch" Perry rather than Jimmy Dean.

Neddie said...

Also, come to think of it, the original drafters of the PR campaign got the subject of the declaration wrong -- a simple typo: "Vagina is for Lovers," while a pallid watering-down of the original "Vagina is for Bruvvahs," seems to me a valid compromise.

RobotSlave said...

...Google search suggests that they might be referring to...

I suggest you get out the Jingo Family Checkbook and send a small offering to the fine folks at Google, together with a note thanking them profusely for their fine work on the SafeSearch™.

You wouldn't want them to take it away. You really, really wouldn't.

Neddie said...

Oh, heathens to beastie!

My poor, poor innocent eyes! Sullied forever!

But the question remains... Why STOP this?


Neddie said...

I mean, as opposed to, say, photos of returning dead at US Armed Forces facilities?

Carl the Big Fool said...

RobotSlave beat me to it. Someone out there thinks them Disney princesses is purty. Rule 34, you know.

Neddie said...

I seem to recall Dave Barry mentioning that at his advanced age, he was finally able to look at Disney's Pocahontas without thinking, "Hey! Nice rack!"

I confess, I am not yet at such a level of maturity.

bobby lightfoot said...

I think they're referrin' to that one cartoon where Donald has Mickey bent over a couch and is pounding him mercilessly whilst Minnie in turn mines him with a huge studded black strapon and with her free hand desperately yanks away at Pluto who, possessing two free hands, ministers to the taut buttocks of Snow White and Grumpy with a pair of wicked looking cat-o-nines.

Or mebbe it's some other one.

Bill said...

Hide your eyes:

Wally Wood's classic memorial orgy.

bobby lightfoot said...


Lowering Your Discourse Daily.

Anonymous said...

actually if you look up disney porn on google images youll see what they are talking about.. yes, rule 34 of the internet, if it exists, there is a porn for it. just imagine people who enjoy drawing disney characters doing dirty dirty things and thats pretty much it... don't think its in reference to something completely irrelevant that happened decades ago, but whatever.