Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Fantasy Hurriedly Composed While Throwing Some Food Down My Neck

A Grand Ball was thrown for all the soups that are served in the cafeteria here at work.

All the soups came dressed in their finest formal wear. They arrived by limousine, by helicopter, by elegant boat-launches from yachts anchored in the city harbor belonging to the Crowned Heads of Europe. The Red Carpet was besieged by paparazzi and television hosts, who commented cattily on d├ęcolletage and hairstyles.

The soups entered the ballroom, where one by one they were announced to the throng by footmen in powdered wigs and exquisite livery. The assembled guests murmured reverently as the soups paraded around the dance-floor to the strains of a string quartet, showing off their expensive finery and twirling elegantly to catch the light just so.

"Italian Wedding Soup!" a footman intoned, to awed applause.

"Minnesota Wild Rice!" (More of it.)

"Tomato Bisque, with Basil and Parsley!" What poise, what grace!

"French Onion with Parmesan Crouton!" The string quartet breaks into "La Marseillaise" to wild approval.

But just then, the spell is shattered. Utterly. The footman can barely suppress a contemptuous curl of his lip as he casts his eye on the next name on the list:

"Chunky Beef Noodle!"

Silence. Complete, horrifying silence. Chunky Beef Noodle, dressed just as elegantly as the rest and bejeweled just as expensively, her corsage a stunning orchid garnished with carrot greens, casts her eyes downward, trying to hide her crimson cheeks, bedewed with tears of mortification. Bravely she steps forward into the throng of callous sophisticates. But it is not enough.

The crowd grows unruly, restive. First comes a titter. Then a guffaw. At last, the entire ballroom is doubled over in cruel horse-laughter at poor Chunky Beef Noodle. Utterly humiliated, she runs from the room, never to be seen again in Society.

The footman, attempting to restore order, cries out in a stentorian voice above the tumult, "Andalusian Gazpacho!"

And all is well again. The Grand Ball may continue.

12 comments:

blue girl said...

Poor, poor Chunky Beef Noodle. Hopefully Pea was waiting outside and they they were able to split together.

Employee of the Month said...

And Organic Creamy Butternut Squash offered sexual favours.

Matt said...

breeeelliant, wah!

eugene wellborn said...

"That's Souper, Souper Girl"

Akatabi said...

Soouupp of the Eeevening!
Beautiful Beautiful Soup!

Lewis Carroll (C. L. Dodgson)

H. Rumbold, Master Barber

mike said...

miso horny

roxtar said...

The Bush Administration was represented by the President and the Secretary of State.

Ladies and Gentlemen,please welcome:


Chicken with Rice!

Kevin Wolf said...

Blue Girl and roxtar: Very, very funny.

Ned: What do they put in the soup where you work? Gotta get me some of that.

blue girl said...

My husband boo'd me last night when I told him my comment.

But I've got another one!

Chicken Broth wasn't even invited because everyone thought she lacked substance...

BOO AT WILL!

:)

Ronzoni Rigatoni said...

I knew it. I just KNEW it. Now we go from nuts to soup! A natural progression, I supposes.

Egad and alas.

SquareRedBrick said...

Her elegant simplicity could always be counted upon. However, some in attendance who had not encountered her before could not disguise their obvious disappointment when Egg Drop was finally introduced.

Anonymous said...

Just wait until they started dancing. The rest of them did that spazzy I-really-can't-dance-but-I'm-sorta-drunk wonder bread dance, but Chunky Beef Noodle could and did drop it like it was on fire, and the sandwiches sidled away from their dates, one by one, to subtly inquire as to Chunky's general availability for apres-ball activities, but from the start, she knew that she'd be going home with Reuben.