Monday, May 22, 2006

Flabberghastly

At 11:56:23 this morning, someone entered these genteel quarters by clicking on a search result at Ask.com: Using a penis pump correctly.

Leaving aside for a moment the question of why in the name of sixteen tumescent Harry Reemses my innocent li'l blue-eyed blog would find itself on the first page of returns for such a search term, I address the perhaps more fertile question: Dude, didn't the thing come with directions?
Oooooh owwwwwwww owie owie ow! Ohhhh Jesus that stings! Oh, Christ, it's turning black and blue! I better take stock, here, better review... OK, so slamming the thing up my nose didn't work, and putting it on the floor and scrabbling at it with my ass didn't work, and throwing it in the air and letting it land on my head was a bad idea, and on reflection bludgeoning my Johnson repeatedly with it was perhaps even a worse idea. Hindsight's twenty-twenty. Beginning to regret picking the thing up at at that yard sale... Why oh why didn't I just leave it on that table, when I damned well saw the sign: Price Reduced! Lost the User Manual? Me and my tiny, ridiculous little pecker! We'll always be losers! I couldn't -- just couldn't -- go to that adult bookstore at the edge of town and ask for a few pointers from the guys with the tattoos and headscarves. Oh, the mortification!

But wait just a second! Eureka! I'll take advantage of the anonymity of the Internet to resolve my dilemma! Yes, that's it! Brilliant! No one will suspect I'm trying to turn my shameful willie into a powerful, raging love-beast but don't know how to employ this plastic hydraulic device to accomplish this end! Yes, yes!... fire up a browser... www.ask.com (they know all the answers!)... "using a penis pump correctly"... return... Yes! Results! Let's see... "Using Penis Pump including Penis Enlargement Video"... No, that doesn't look right... "Rejoyn.com: How to Use Our Products"... No, couldn't be... A-HA! "By Neddie Jingo!" Yes, that's the link I'm going to click! Sounds like just the sort of fellow who can tell me in excruciating detail all about using a penis-pump correctly....
Good Samaritan Time:

Yo! pcp0011906082pcs.westln01.mi.comcast.net of Richmond, Michigan, United States! STICK YOUR RISIBLE LITTLE COCK IN IT AND PUMP! It'll be gigantic -- like, four inches long! -- in no time flat! Never mind the blood-blisters, they'll go away with time... The femininas will swoon! Swoon, I tell you!

Good luck! And don't hesitate to let me know if you have any other burning questions that inadvertently reveal your deepest insecurities. We'll git 'er done.

(Later edit: Simultaneous congratulations and sympathies to 24-180-18-199.dhcp.nrwl.ca.charter.com (Charter Communications) of Riverside, California, United States for coming in this morning on the Google search, "Penis pump blood blister." Ooooooh, that's gotta hurt! Get thee to a doctor, stat!)

14 comments:

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

And, the funny thing is... Now you're going to get more of that traffic! Better turn on the advertising now and take financial advantage of the increase in traffic.

CrayolaThief said...

I sense a supplemental blog on the horizon - "Ask Professor Jingo." You can field tough moral questions, such as these:

Dear Professor,

When Elmer Fudd chases after a skirted and lipsticked Bugs, as he does in many an episode, should I as a God-fearing member of the church be concerned because of the rampant transvestitism, homosexuality, or bestiality? Or do they cancel each other out? And why do I find myself strangely aroused? Please advise.

Sincerely,
A Wascally Rabbit

Bobby Lightfoot said...

GLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHXXXXXXXXXXXXXRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPKKKKKK!!!!!


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

GAHHHHHA HAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA

HORK. COUGH. CHRIST.

roxtar said...

I was wondering as I read, "Will we get to see this fellow's identifying information?"

Once again, Mr. Jingo delivers the goods.....

fgfdsg said...

I've had worse. Far, far worse. I've actually stopped looking at my Statcounter because I'm not sure I want to know who these people are and why they're coming to my page.

Damn you. I just looked. "Picture of jelly jar stuck in a guys butt". Fair enough. Wait, two lines down... "Photo of jelly jar stuck in a guys butt". I suppose he *really* wanted to see the jam/bung-related goods.

Even worse. "Treatment for Maggots." If there's maggots anywhere on you I think it's time to get yourself up to the hospital.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR PENIS PUMP

HAPPY CONGRATS! YOU NOW BE BUY OWNER OF MANY GOOD HUGE PENIS MAKING!!!

1. God curses you with feeble danglage.
2. Wonder why Girls tell you to 'put it in' when you already have.
3. Think about enlargement surgery.
4. Discover price of said surgery.
5. Realise Inherent Cheapness.
6. Convince yourself a discounted Pump is just as good an option, the fools.
7. Never stop to think due to guy's constant obsession with size that if it was that easy everyone would have to have their pants specially-tailored and girls would whistle while they walk.
8. Realise it's not working.
9. Convince yourself that you're obviously doing something wrong.
10. Search the internet. Realise you're not. Convince yourself the net is wrong.
11. Cry, and masturbate like a sad loser. Again.

Blue Wren said...

oh. my. gosh.

And here I was, thinking guys used those things for noble purposes, like, oh, I don't know, making sperm bank deposits, the better to continue the species.

Heheheh. Poor lil' guys.

glue birl said...

Oh my goodness gracious!

I have tears. Not streaming tears, just welled tears. I can barely see.

You are too funny.

Did you know Bobby Lightfoot got to blue girl's blog today by googling "banging?"

GAHHHHHA HAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA

And of course, said Jeddie Ningo was said culprit who had written "banged" in said post from long ago.

Bobby Lightfoot said...

Oh, it's priceless. Priceless. Just today I've gotten:

"sweet rice burners"

"space shuttle sucks"

"milking a corpse" (hubba hubba)

"eyelid spasming"

No jelly jars and guy's butts. Some dudes have all th' luck.

roxtar said...

Someone came to blackskytheory by searching "picture of an asshole", which led them here.

Kevin Wolf said...

Neddie, I'm touched by your desire to help this poor man.

The service By Neddie Jingo! provides to society can scarcely be measured. My hat's off to you, sir, and, more, I will stop with the hat as a sign of respect.

nash said...

Feeble Danglage: great name for a band.

XTCfan said...

Harry Reemses

You mean Reemses the Great, right?

Res Publica said...

Ohhhhh oh my god hahahahahahahaha

Oh shit i can't stop laughing.....it hurts hahahahahaha

fgfdsg said...

Actually, i've been thinking about this some more. Was the Jam Jar guy looking for fetishistic fappery reasons, or, more worryingly, was he looking up what's the best cause of action to take when you wake up and find one up your butt?

The mind boggles. The morons google.

Today's best search term says it all: "Internet dating no-one responds to my ads".

I can't imagine why.

The Runner Up: "Kate Bush Cheese Mumbling".