Leaving aside for a moment the question of why in the name of sixteen tumescent Harry Reemses my innocent li'l blue-eyed blog would find itself on the first page of returns for such a search term, I address the perhaps more fertile question: Dude, didn't the thing come with directions?
Oooooh owwwwwwww owie owie ow! Ohhhh Jesus that stings! Oh, Christ, it's turning black and blue! I better take stock, here, better review... OK, so slamming the thing up my nose didn't work, and putting it on the floor and scrabbling at it with my ass didn't work, and throwing it in the air and letting it land on my head was a bad idea, and on reflection bludgeoning my Johnson repeatedly with it was perhaps even a worse idea. Hindsight's twenty-twenty. Beginning to regret picking the thing up at at that yard sale... Why oh why didn't I just leave it on that table, when I damned well saw the sign: Price Reduced! Lost the User Manual? Me and my tiny, ridiculous little pecker! We'll always be losers! I couldn't -- just couldn't -- go to that adult bookstore at the edge of town and ask for a few pointers from the guys with the tattoos and headscarves. Oh, the mortification!Good Samaritan Time:
But wait just a second! Eureka! I'll take advantage of the anonymity of the Internet to resolve my dilemma! Yes, that's it! Brilliant! No one will suspect I'm trying to turn my shameful willie into a powerful, raging love-beast but don't know how to employ this plastic hydraulic device to accomplish this end! Yes, yes!... fire up a browser... www.ask.com (they know all the answers!)... "using a penis pump correctly"... return... Yes! Results! Let's see... "Using Penis Pump including Penis Enlargement Video"... No, that doesn't look right... "Rejoyn.com: How to Use Our Products"... No, couldn't be... A-HA! "By Neddie Jingo!" Yes, that's the link I'm going to click! Sounds like just the sort of fellow who can tell me in excruciating detail all about using a penis-pump correctly....
Yo! pcp0011906082pcs.westln01.mi.comcast.net of Richmond, Michigan, United States! STICK YOUR RISIBLE LITTLE COCK IN IT AND PUMP! It'll be gigantic -- like, four inches long! -- in no time flat! Never mind the blood-blisters, they'll go away with time... The femininas will swoon! Swoon, I tell you!
Good luck! And don't hesitate to let me know if you have any other burning questions that inadvertently reveal your deepest insecurities. We'll git 'er done.
(Later edit: Simultaneous congratulations and sympathies to 24-180-18-199.dhcp.nrwl.ca.charter.com (Charter Communications) of Riverside, California, United States for coming in this morning on the Google search, "Penis pump blood blister." Ooooooh, that's gotta hurt! Get thee to a doctor, stat!)