Wednesday, March 21, 2007

I'd Love Me For It

This afternoon, I managed to lock myself out of the building at work. I'd stepped out to my truck in the parking lot to fetch something (it was ensconced comfortably in the Handicapped spot -- thanks, Medical Science!). When I tried the front door I realized I'd left my little magnetic key-card in my jacket pocket back at my desk.

There is a little subterfuge one can employ in this situation, but it involves walking about 100 yards to the parking garage and waiting for someone to use that door. For a man in my sore condition, this is not a minor undertaking.

I did what any red-blooded man in my situation would do: I screwed up my eyes, threw my head violently backward and then forward, and uttered one single extremely obscene syllable.

As I eructed this syllable from my mouth, a small pool of saliva went along with it. I'm not talking about a droplet or two, I mean a good quarter-teaspoon's worth. I really hadn't been anticipating cursing with such ferocity, and I didn't rearrange the buccal contents in anticipation. Clumsy of me, I know. With the accompanying vehement forward head-fling, the small blob (gobbet? loogie? lunger?) of spit splashed rather forcefully directly into my left eye.

Yes, that's right. I'd actually managed to spit in my own eye.

Ruefully wiping the goo out of my eye and off my nose with a sleeve, and gratefully noting that I hadn't been observed by anyone, I realized I'd actually been lucky, in a way. There are worse bodily fluids you can accidentally slosh into your own peepers.

9 comments:

glue birl said...

You're so cute.

Go visit 1peanut.

Just a tad different, but still. Misery loves company, Jeddie.

:)

Hope the link works...

glue birl said...

You nasty little bastard.

:)

My WV: pfukuvd

Well, spit in my eye! Fits this post perfectly!

Bobby Lightfoot said...

Feeling you, man.

I shit in my ear once.

Blue Wren said...

Omigod. You finally did it, Neddie -- you made me splat coffee all over the monitor.
Happy now???

Anonymous said...

When can we expect the security video to show up on YouTube?

QRED said...

Ned, you can't make me laugh like that while I am supposed to be working. My job isn't funny!

Here is my own tale of red-blooded comeuppance:

Upon returning home from the grocery store one evening, I discovered that the gallon jug of milk I bought had tipped over and leaked into my trunk, soaking into the liner and sure to stink up the car as soon as the sun came out.

WWARBMIMSD? Well, I screwed up my eyes, uttered the requisite syllable and, in a fit of misdirected rage, drop-kicked the offending jug, still two-thirds-full.

The wind, which clearly has no patience for adult tantrums, picked up the spattering milk and delivered it directly into my open trunk.

Neddie said...

QRED: SELL THE CAR IMMEDIATELY. You've got about two days to do it. After that, the stench is going to be spectacular.

First-person experience talking, here.

You nasty little bastard.

I beg your pardon?

blue girl said...

You have to go read ipeanut's post about punching herself in the face. It's hysterical!

1 peanut said...

Ha! Thanks Blue Girl.

Neddie Jingo you must have an awful large readership. My site stats are all kinds of raped and pillaged today.