Friday, March 30, 2007

An Oral Disquisition on Polymorphous Perversity

From an interview with Andy Partridge at MAGNET, where he's the current Featured Artist:

...Right, although the nearest I could get was my rubber shark story. That was my notorious way of not being unfaithful when I was on tour.

Come again?

It was the best blow job I ever had! I bought it at a Woolworth’s in Melbourne, Australia, on tour. I was thinking, “How am I gonna be good?” I had an afternoon off, wandering around, and was amazed that they had a load of stuff in this store that you just couldn’t get anymore, like a time capsule or something. I saw this soft, rubber shark about a foot long and I thought, “Wow, if I stuck my dick in that, it’d feel really good, and I could be faithful and not tempted by all these women now that I’m married!” So I thought, “I’m gonna buy this rubber shark and fuck it!” I bought the shark, and it felt great. You’d get some suction going, a vacuum effect, just terrific. I used to wedge it under a cushion or a chair and I’d fuck this rubber shark. My suitcase was full at the time, so I had to buy an extra box to take it around. I had this blue fiber-board suitcase, and I’d keep this rubber shark in there. I remember going through New Zealand with it and the customs agent asking me, “What’s in the case, mate?” And I said, “Well, it’s a rubber shark.” “Wise guy.” Then he’d open it up and it’d be a rubber shark! It was great.

Did it have a name, this shark?

Not really a name. Sharky. [Laughs] Although after a while that stopped because then I’d think of Feargal Sharkey, and the last thing—literally—you want to be thinking of when you’re blowing your wad is the lead singer of the Undertones.

This is all the more amusing because I've lined up an interview with this guy next week. Stay tuned...


Kevin Wolf said...

Thanks for the link, though the interview does in the end get, um, amusingly sidetracked...

There was another recent online interview with Andy worth checking out. But perhaps you saw it already...

Bobby Lightfoot said...

Woah, you've got a interview with Partridge?

Neddie said...

He's got a record coming out, you know.

He'll talk to anybody.

RED said...

I hate to say it, but I have a funny feeling that someday down the road a little ways, faithful fans will look back and conclude that this was the moment that Andy Partridge jumped the shark.

Simon said...

Nice to know my country contributed some pleasure to the XTC story. (Uh, let's just overlook Terry running off with a girl from Newcastle and thereby Yoko Onoing the band).

The Andy Patridge mashup? Send me the tapes!!!

belledame222 said...

this was the moment that Andy Partridge jumped the shark.

oy! and yet: true!

belledame222 said...

"cross-dressing musical Western?" I'm so there.

Simon said...

I think you meant 'Humped the shark'.

bobby lightfoot said...

A band touring on th' cheap and sharing rooms actually does have to sit down and sort out wank privacy.

Just another glamorous truism from th' road.

glue birl said...

Good heavens. This whole post and comment thread is an assault on my virgin eyes.


The Viscount LaCarte said...

Get him talking about Pink Thing.

I'm pretty sire it is about a baby. Or is it about Mel Schacher?

xgnapqx said the shark.

noblesavage said...

We talking oral or cloaca?

If you pick the former,
Just tip the remora.
But if it's the latter,
Have care when you splatter-
That clasper's sensation
Will stop masturbation,
And prove so injurious
That sex carcharias
Cuts deeper than a scalpal can
You're nevermore a mako man.

RED said...

Ha ha!

Anytime I rise, you're here,
And I'm whacky for you Sharkey.
You make me want to laugh,
You make me want to cry,
When I hump your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high,

I want to pack you up and travel round with you,
Sharkey it'll be OK.
If I could only take you from your suitcase blue,
Sharkey, what would customs agents say?

Neddie said...

I love my commenters. Love, love LOVE them!

Oh -- not in THAT way...

(I travel with a blowup noblesavage in my blue case..)

Anonymous said...

(I travel with a blowup noblesavage in my blue case..)

Reason number 21337 to post anonymously.

Employee of the Month said...

The Helium Kidz - "Shark in the Pool"

Ol' Pal D said...

Well, that, being Hitherto unknown to the people of the area I live in, certainly was destined to take the place of the Mud Shark in my Mythology.

XTCfan said...

He's got a record coming out, you know.

He'll talk to anybody.

Indeed. Here's proof.

EmployeeoftheMonth said...

According to the accompanying photo, that's one helluva upstroke there Andy.