Wednesday, March 12, 2008

A Four-Diamond Girl

I have to confess myself completely flummoxed by the concept of a $5000 hooker.

The WashPost this morning declared at $300 (after, no doubt, a great deal of careful market research, hands on keyboards, no subtle fingers tweaking the Importunate Equipment under the desk) the going price of the kind of lady-of-the-night who will report to your hotel room and place herself at your disposal.

This gives us a discrepancy of $4700 between the price paid by your average horned-up convention-goer and that paid by Elliott Spitzer.

The question burns, like a chlamidia-victim's gorgonzola, what the hell does $4700 buy you?

The girl may be fine, she may be so-fuckin'-refined-she-smells-like-Hyannisport-in-August, she may have an ermine-lined snatch for all I know, but... Jesus Christ! An orgasm's an orgasm, y'know? And post-coital chit-chat's post-coital chit-chat. Does the $4700 girl lecture you on Wittgenstein afterwards? You can buy the same goddamned honey-of-a-spasm for 25 simoleons on 14th Street -- and your provider may even remove her upper plate for extra gratification. If Spitzer had managed to confine himself to that kind of independent provider, he'd still be governor of New York.

It may come as a bit of a shock to my regular clientele when I admit: I've had sex! I've even had really, really, really good sex! So, as an experienced man-about-town, I have to wonder: What is it about paying 4700 clams to dip your wick that is so fucking appealing?

I'm sure it has a whole lot to do with the same Absolutely Nothing that differentiates a $500 bottle of wine from a $50 bottle. You pay it just because you can, because that's what makes the difference between the Rabble and the √úbermensch — and for that, Elliot Spitzer will now be privileged, forever, to just go fuck himself.

For free.

17 comments:

Larry Jones said...

Maybe the numbers are packed, like when Howard Stern got signed to satellite radio for "a half-billion dollars," or years ago when the LA Express signed Steve Young right out of BYU for "$20 million." You know, it makes it seem more important, even if the money never actually changes hands.

Anonymous said...

Fifty dollars for a bottle of wine!! you must be getting a lot of hits these days.

Five grand for a slap and tickle is a lot of 50 dollar bottles of wine. i'll take the 300$ deal and the 94 bottles of Barolo, thanks.

The Viscount LaCarte said...

Here's what 5k apparently looks like.

reincheque said...

God bless her but she's a fine filly, but not worth the dosh (or the douche, for that matter...).

Regards,


djp

Carl the Big Fool said...

I suspect that all that cash also bought a certain amount of assurance that the encounter would be discreet.

Which obviously worked out real well.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I'm absolutely not making this up... While reading your post, I had a classical CD on in the background. The tune of the moment was Bach's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring, as played by Leon Fleisher. It added a certain something to my reading experience.

Derryl Murphy said...

Maybe she has a high thread count. Or he thought he read organic, when in truth it said orgasmic.

D

Halloween Jack said...

I tend to file this sort of thing in with the likes of the $25,000 dessert; it's all under the principle of the potlatch, where you're such a wealthy, powerful stud that you have money to burn. Actually burning piles of money, however, is banned in big cities like NYC and DC, hence the alternative methods of disposal.

The Viscount LaCarte said...

Not that this in anyway justifies the price or the behavior - but - while I can't speak for Neddie I know lots of us spend more than we should on things because we can afford it. When I was in my 30's with young children and I had $10 left on Wednesday and payday wasn't til Friday, I wouldn't have dreamed of spending $4 for a cup of coffee, esp. when I could get one elsewhere for .50 or even free.

Today I'll get a Soy Latte and give a tip to the kid and think nothing of it because I like it and it's easy. Never mind the fact that I'm being totally scammed as we're talking some hot water, a little soy milk and some over-roasted coffee.

A far cry from 5k for something that could be bought for $300, but when you have SO MUCH money ...

An Upstep or a Downstep said...

In my experience, the ones that lecture on Wittgenstein rarely get repeat business.

cleek said...

here's an interesting little article on Slate about the kind of services your get for your cash.

short version: the more you pay, the more of Hot Girlfriend Time-share you're likely to get.

Ronzoni Rigatoni said...

Hey.Neddie J:
$20 crack whores are often amenable to 50% discounts. A blow-job izza blow-job, after all. They know! Once blown, once dead. Bryant Gumble once defined eternity as the time you cum and the time she dresses and goes home. Spitzer is a fukkin' idjit, not for the joys of sexual release (which we all should pay for occasionally, if only to support the industry), but for the prices he was willing to pay.

Good lordie!

Ronzoni Rigatoni said...

Neddie, me lad, this post requires some historical context. Friend of mine, Capt. Pete Petersen, ferried B-17's from Miami to Belem, Brazil, to North Africa during the early stages of the Big Deuce. Pete often said that if you ever met a Brazilian female, you just knew Mother Nature loved you. Pete told me that when they first encountered such beauty, the price was 25¢, but after the officers began tipping, it rose to over $5.00. Try that on $17/month for an EM. Spitzer needs to be crucified.

jdmack said...

I laughed when one of the WTOP announcers joked that the station had become "Spitzer and Weather on the Eights."

Let's see, what would $5000 get cha?
How about doggie style and she'll repave your driveway? Perhaps it was a package deal.

J. D.

kathleenmaher said...

I probably shouldn't jump in here: definitely a guy thing.
But that Wittgenstein pillow-talk idea sounds almost plausible. A rare bird.

Kate said...

I think the money has to do with a mis-guided sense of safety. Didn't the Gov negotiate to not have safe sex? The thinking here is, "hey, if all her other dates are paying $5k, they can't be the 'type' to have sexually-transmitted diseases. They are one of the kings of the world like me." Seriously, what asshole willing to pay $5k would agree to use a condom??

bobby lightfoot said...

It was actually only 100 bucks but she had to drive six blocks in an Escalade to get there.