WASHINGTON, DC — March 26, 2008. A local conference of IT professionals was thrown into disarray when an outbreak of deer ticks in the beds of Omni Shoreham Hotel conference attendees forced hundreds of information-technology workers into the streets of Washington, DC, at three o'clock in the morning, fearing Lyme disease and worse.
"This totally sucks, man!" shouted one displaced technology worker, clad only in his plaid jammy-pants and Anakin Skywalker t-shirt as he froze, barefoot, in the street outside the venerable hotel. Exterminators swarmed the sidewalks around him, vying for the order to spray individual rooms for the dangerous, disease-bearing insects.
All is not completely lost, however. One attendee used the occasion to perform some valuable entomological research; with some highly specialized sonar equipment he "just happened" to have in his room, he was able to trace and document the communication patterns of the revolting critters.
"Yeah, they talk really fast!" said Jim "Ethernet" LaPorte, of Kankakee, IL, in town for only one night. "You gotta slow it down a lot, but if you do, you can totally hear 'em saying, 'Must... eat... blood...!'"
Representatives of the Fox Television network have reportedly been in discussion with the ticks about the development of a movie deal with the marauding arachnidae. However, they have met with little or no success.
The idea that ticks possess the ability to communicate with humans has most reputable entomologists scratching their heads. "Beats me," said one local professor of entomology. "Didn't ever think of that before. Talking ticks. Huh."
The headline in Variety the next day:
TICKS ATTACK TECH TALK
TECH CLOCKS TICK TALK!
TICKS, FOX EXECS NIX TALKS!
TICK TALK?
TICK TALK!
8 comments:
Public Service Announcement: If afflicted with tick[s] do not try to burn the little bugger out with a match, or paint him with nail polish. This sophomoric humiliation will only provoke him to release Lyme disease in your cruel and uncaring bloodstream. Instead pay hard earned money for a specialized tick removal system [tweezers], pulling him out slow and steady. Haste may lead to a separation of head and or mouthparts that will only burrow deeper. This may lead the host body to certain unquenchable blood thirsts that to an untrained physician may simply pass as republican behavior.
Techs Take Timeout After Ticks Attack ?
Ticks Attack Tender Techies ?
Ticks Hit Techies' Ticking !
On the side of the exterminators' van, registered to one T. Tucker:
TALKIN' A TICK ATTACK?
TUCKER'S ATTACK-A-TICK!
Talk tick to Tucker! Tucker's Attack-a-Tick!
(That's it. I think I've finally gone completely around the bend.)
Caught in bed with TECH...
TICK NOW TALKS!!!
At REI, one can purchase a handy, very low-tech little gadget called a Tick Picker. It works. The hard part is finding those nasty teeny little deer ticks in the first place. They tend to nestle in crevices quite difficult to examine...which leads one to ponder a new, lucrative line of service for hair salons in Virginia.
And the tick in the tack said, "Every tick attack!" and it turned into a Ballroom Blitz...
Jesus, take me now...
Smart Tech Helps Dum Ticks?
Smart Tick Stops Talking. Consults publicist. Books Oprah. Endorses Hilary. Hangs out with Olsen Twins.
Markets organic salad dressing. Plays online video games. Starts fashion cult. Goes into seclusion. Found dead in Parisian bathtub from overdose...
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