Wednesday, January 25, 2006

In Your Name

Program Note: I'd just finished a long, sweaty, gut-roiling slog through an SFGate article on the freshly yclept "Terrorist Surveillance Program" and was prepping myself to hide in a soundproof closet with a blanket and teddy bear and embark on my daily Primal Scream workout. Before I could advance two steps, however, Dan Dority, the Gem Saloon's greasy fixer, stepped from the shadowy murk and buttonholed me.

"Al wants to see you."

Hours later, Swearengen's ball of dope now turned to useless ash, and the two grubby Gem trollops he'd assigned to beguile my time stretched out asleep, exhausted, I stumbled, blinking, into the gray dawn and found the following under my byline:

Cocksucker!

What's that, you ask? To whom do I refer? You sit there blinking like a squarehead dirt-farmer on his virgin taste of gin, coughing into your fucking fist and discreetly pulling your bunched knickers out of your tightly clenched ass, and ask me with injured indignation who the fuck I'm calling a cocksucker?

The cocksucker I'm calling a cocksucker is you, you cocksucker. I am addressing every goddamned hooplehead who reads this while quietly ruminating over the knowledge that the Executive Branch of the United States Government, in the form of a miserable, smirking, dry-drunk Oedipal case, has arrogated unto itself the right to hide under any fucking nuptial bed it chooses -- without so much as a rubber-stamp warrant to solemnize the intrusion -- and note every slap, tickle, moan, giggle, protest or accession that may ensue therefrom, and read into the record at a secret fucking treason trial any information so acquired.

This in your name. In your cocksucking name, he does this. To protect you. To protect you, you pusillanimous bedwetting cocksucker. Because you need protecting.

It's an axiom in a line of work in which I occasionally dabble, that there's a stark black line that divides the Grifter from the Mark. That line is never crossed: Once you're a Mark, you're always a fucking Mark, and you will succumb to the Grift. There is no alternative.

Looked at the right way, that stark black line extends out from my business to the entire cocksucking world and divides every last jibbering one of us on this ball of rock into Grifters and Marks. And you, you fucking hooplehead, you who run squealing to this God-sotted pisspot Napoleon, proffering up Inalienable Rights like an Abilene whore on Christmas: You're the Mark. The Grift is on, and you're the cocksucking Mark.

Answer me this: Do you think it's your fucking virtue that makes you the Mark? Do you think that in the Sweet Bye and Bye you'll be rewarded many times over for climbing back to all fours for another ass-fucking every time another Grifter gets a cockstand and takes a fancy to your fundamental aperture? Blesséd are the Marks, for theirs is the stretched and pox-laden bunghole.... I'll give you a hint, hooplehead, a little insight that might arm you with the mother-wit to avoid the burning agony of yet another dry-buggering: Who benefits from that arrangement?

Cui cocksucking bono?

I never cease to marvel at the depth and persistence of your ovine stupidity. With the doggedness of the truly dedicated cretin, you elect guardians of the common weal who are so blatantly crooked they have to be shoehorned into their trousers, and then pretend shock and indignation when evidence arises as inexorably as the cocksucking dawn that they have -- once again, cretin! -- pulled off the Grift.

Can you possibly stop chewing your fucking cud long enough to understand how goddamned tempting the Grift is, when the Marks of the world loudly beg, with wide-eyed, innocent earnestness, with the glowing zeal of the incandescent dullard, for their daily ass-fucking?

Despite centuries of careful indoctrination to the contrary, your position is not intractable. It's not a difficult proposition, not a huge fucking leap to take. You raise your right hand, you close your eyes -- tightly, now, no peeking! Say it with me: I Do Hereby Swear and Affirm: From this day forth, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, forsaking all other cocksuckers:

I Will No Longer Be a Cocksucking Mark.


There. That wasn't hard, was it, brother?

Oh, by the way, you might want to check: Where's your wallet?

That reminds me.... I want to fuck something. TRIXIE....

19 comments:

beyond passionate said...

That's what I'm talking about.

2 thumbs up


vpsitrd- Cheney? Yes he is a a piece of shit

Carl said...

Is this a guest post of some sort? By the Rude Pundit, or perhaps Silky Johnson?

Matt said...

I can only hope that this post was addressed to the owners of the major news networks, who broadcast this administrations' bullshit nightly, as well as Yahoo! and AOL, who cheerfully turned over their customers' search records, that our guvernment might have a tighter bead on what we look for when Trixie is beyond reach.

All I know is that I sure as fuck didn't vote for this cocksucking motherfucker, but I still feel like a goddamn Mark.

Linkmeister said...

I suspect that besides Big Media it was also addressed to the Senate Democrats, many of whom seem to be worthy only of study by PZ Myers (if I remember correctly that the Doc's field is invertebrates).

Anonymous said...

I think you are confused, Neddie.

Deadwood portrays the start of something big and exciting.

America, however, is sliding down the well-worn trail of used to be great. We'll kill a few more wogs and elect a few more maroons and then we'll take our place at China's feet...

When does season 2 of Deadwood come out on DVD?

Neil Shakespeare said...

Good to see Al back in fine voice! Wonderful!! Can't wait for Mr. Wu Responds. Thanks, Neddie. That was fabulous!

Anonymous said...

Apply a fungicide! Quickly! Before it's too late...

yroqkki-top of the pops band from basra

Employee of the Month said...

Trotting out Al is akin to handing the ball to the Fridge.


kibplbj - Rudyard's Blow Job

roxtar said...

O my droogs and brothers....

That is some sinus-clearing, titty-twisting, sphincter-puckering, hard-core, sapphire bullets of pure gobsmack.

One can only hope that, upon concluding that screed, you snatched your hands from the keyboard and shouted out, "I've got blisters on my fingers!"

Oh yeah. Expect to see a lot of me around these parts.

fbcdor - Got a failing grade in anal sex. Gonna have to go to summer school.

Kevin Wolf said...

We could, as a nation, be even stupider. I'm too dumb to know how, but I suppose it's possible.

nsttndon - Well, obviously, Don's nuts.

XTCfan said...

Well, as ol' Al Enstein said:
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

And, as another great man said, regarding Marks and the Grift:
"If God didn't mean for people to be shorn, He wouldn't have made them sheep."

Glad yer back tellin' the hard truth, Al.


gwwiktb (George W. "Who'd I Kill Today?" Bush)

Anonymous said...

Those who seek absolute power, even though they seek it to do what they regard as good, are simply demanding the right to enforce their own version of heaven on earth. And let me remind you, they are the very ones who always create the most hellish tyrannies. Absolute power does corrupt, and those who seek it must be suspect and must be opposed. Their mistaken course stems from false notions of equality, ladies and gentlemen. Equality, rightly understood, as our founding fathers understood it, leads to liberty and to the emancipation of creative differences. Wrongly understood, as it has been so tragically in our time, it leads first to conformity and then to despotism.

The above by Barry Goldwater, 1964. WTF...we are in a world of shit...

nate-dogg said...

yclept? My God, Neddie, you are brilliant.

Matt said...

I realize that it's not quite appropriate to counter biting satire with earnest questions, but still, the issue presents itself: the only way to take down a Grifter is to make him a Mark. So, who, in our camp, can do that? Do we have any Grifters on our side, besides Bill Clinton? Who is our most Swearengen-like candidate?

Suddenly, Hillary looks like a more attractive option to me.

The Heretik said...

Oy,oy with a little vey on top. Thanks.

Neddie said...

Well, Matt, your strange & terrible hots for Hillary notwithstanding, I think we Marks need to resurrect the Wild Bill Hickock of Congressional Oversight before even thinking about looking to some kind of Reverend Smith Christ-figure to emerge to lead us all to the Promised Land. After the Yankton Cocksuckers have been dealt with by means of Inexorable Justice, then we might think about pulling a little Grift of our own.

But then, I'm just an old Marks-ist.

eRobin said...

How do you make that look so easy? Brilliant!

deeboon said...

Overall I enjoyed this post. Problem is I'm trying to convince my wife about the "up" side of ass-fucking and screeds like these are contrary to the cause!

EB said...

That reminds me.... I want to fuck something. TRIXIE....

That's using your old noggin, Al.

Get yourself some relief - let the world do it's own spinnin'.