Monday, January 09, 2006

Three Days After Epiphany, An Epiphany

The Very Last Salvo in this Year's War on Christmas

Or, if you like, the first in next year's. Glass half empty, glass half full. Up to you.

Owes its genesis to my abject and pitiable inability to expunge this goddamned submoronic song from my abused cranium, leading to fond thoughts of stuffing two live M-80s into my ears and blowing my brains out.*

WHEREAS

Having given the matter some thought, having mulled the question, having ruminated the issue, having considered the pros and cons of the matter, having fizzled a synapse or two on the thing, having debated with the Inner Man, having brooded a wee, having mused, moused [U.S.], reflected, conned, deliberated, run, meditated, chewed, turned, revolved, and bestowed thought or consideration upon the subject;

WHEREAS

He and his minions behaved toward him as one would toward a particularly unprepossessing bucket of warm lymph until such time as it was convenient and indeed necessary to exploit his unique navigational capabilities, offering as the only incentive reinstatement to a plainly unappealing status quo ante, viz. the thitherto unfairly and capriciously revoked privilege of participation in any Reindeer Games;

BE IT RESOLVED

Rudolph should have told Santa to go shit in his hat.

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*Now -- comes the likely whine -- I've put it in your head. Tant pis. Why should I be the only one to suffer?

5 comments:

Akatabi said...

I'd say the value depends on the nature of the reindeer games. And the mention of the song has the value of expunging from my telencephalon Burl Ives crooning "Ho, ho the mistletoe..." and "as for me and Grandpa, we believe". And planting them in yours.

H. Rumbold, Master Barber

fgfdsg said...

Mental Aural Loops are a type of thought virus. The quickest way to get the song out of your head is to pass it on to someone else as soon as possible. My partner and I are forever doing this to each other. It's kind of like "Tag, You're It" without any physical contact.

Me: (Hums the mexican hat dance)
Him: You Bastard!
Me: Free Free!

or

Him: (hums "Who Wears Shorts Shorts?)
Me: Oh, you prick!
Him: Suffer...

Try it. It works...

ClareToreador said...

I really think you should go soak up the sun.

Employee of the Month said...

"Prisoners of Love,
Blue Sky Above..."

tag

Weasels ripped my flesh - rwdwzxxd!

Kevin Wolf said...

I always wondered that Santa, as depicted in the Rudolph TV special was a bigger bastard than any of the villians in these TV things (e.g. the Abominable Snowmonster, Heatmiser, etc.). And his song is nearly as annoying as Rudolph's.

qpumjv - the Plutonian Hat Dance Song