Tuesday, August 08, 2006

An Occasion of Self-Loathing

I'm at the mall a few days ago, getting a camera battery for our upcoming beach vacation. A certain eliminatory urge overcomes me, and I ankle it for the men's room to take care of it. The bathrooms are behind the food court, down a hall past the customer-service and security offices. The hall is wide enough to accommodate a comfy couch outside the ladies' room, which I must pass to get to my room.

Just ahead of me, a harrassed-looking mother, two toddlers and a baby-stroller in tow, has seated herself on the couch, a crying infant in her arms, and is raising her shirt (discreetly) and clapping the baby to the life-giving mammalian protuberance. She bears a blanket on her shoulder for discretion, but has not yet lowered it over the baby.
Don't look. Don't look. Goddammit, don't look! It's a bundle of fat and glands, for Christ's sake -- eyes on the other wall! You are an urbane sophisticate in your forties, the father of two who were both breastfed into toddlerhood; you have seen approximately 3000000000000 breasts in your life; if you look at that woman's lactating knocker, exposed for the beautiful and life-affirming purpose of feeding her hungry infant, you will never live it down, goddammit DON'T LOOK!!!!

Woo-hoo! Nipple action!


Bobby Lightfoot said...

Dude there's worse things than being a really bad person.

Bobby Lightfoot said...

Ha HA HA HA ha.

That is so much funnier unadorned by subsequent laughter and pleas for humorous license that I had to add this exzema post facto.

I'm thinking that liking tits of all demarcations to an obsessive and puzzling degree is somethin' us breeders are all just going to have to learn to live with.

And call me a prophet but somethin' tells me you're in for a rollicking consensus.

Highlander said...

Don't feel bad. We're all hounds. And, in this respect, pretty much slaves to our most distant ancestors.

XTCfan said...

Of course you looked. But I bet you did it discreetly, when she wasn't looking at you (thus sparing her the embarassment), and you didn't whip out the ol' camera phone to snap a foto to send to AmateurAreolas.com or LactatingLadies.com or MilkyMILFs.com, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera....

Decatur Dem said...

It's Suck Hour at the Sailors' Grave on Old East Main, here in Norfolk.

Chow Down! (Cue the bosun's pipe).

Blue Wren said...

Hmm. Perfectly human, Nedster. Nevertheless, in payment for your obviously lack of willpower, you've been officially tagged.
Somehow I think you'll do JUST fine.

blue girl said...

you have seen approximately 3000000000000 breasts in your life


You're quite the playa.

I have to admit though. I don't even know how many that is. Where do the commas go?

Is that 30 million? Or 3 billion?

I've always been bad at math.


Jeremy Cherfas said...

Come to Italy, dear boy. You won't see that much breastfeeding -- too awful for la bella figura -- but when you do you will be expected -- nay, required -- to look.

Kevin Wolf said...

Yes, it's only human to look. At least on the man-beast side of things.