Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Why'd This Have To Be Th' Week I Get A Stalker?

I'm tryin' to take care of Ned's nice bloggy. And I've got this skank callin' at all hours. Why couldn't it happen next week? I really wanted to have th' time to do something cool and now I have to play tonight and I'll prob'ly have to wear a fuckin' mask.

It's like, so unJingo. Having a stalker is just not very Jingo-ey.

It does have an amusing side, though. Like trying do draw her out on th' tape recording. "Don't you want to hurt the children? The children HATE Jesus. Say something violent about th' children. We Can't Be Together with them around."

Also, you guys will like this- I told her, "you're supposed to fuck the guy before you boil th' rabbit." Ha ha ha. That's the closest thing to funny here. But it's pret' dingblistered funny.

I do believe I'm finally going to Bag My Christer, friends. After all these years sufferin' their barbs and arrows.

Hey, did you guys know that Colin Moulding used to hang out with Paul McCartney? Lookit this picture with Heather and Andy over on th' left. Jesus, Andy looks terrible in this shot and Colin looks like it's 1979!

Y'know what else would be really un-Jingoey? Discussing patently weird sexual fantasties. So I won't discuss mine. I'll just...show ya:

Heh. A whole new take on th' Flying Nun, eh?

Fuck, I just knocked over one of his vases. I just don't belong here with my chaotic shit.

A nun and weed....oh, gracious.

Do you all know that Ned wrote the liner notes for the Definitive Virgin Records XTC box set? See, he can't tell you that 'cause it would be boasty. Me, I can tell you. Check it.

Woah, huh? You got one of those under your belt? Not me, man. And you wouldn't believe how fucking great his liner notes are. Just fuckin' great. I can almost recite them by heart. "yin and yang...male and female...let us consider..."

My stalker's really crazy, though. I've got that. I've got a crazy right wing nutjob stalker, and Ned gets to do th' liner notes for Coat Of Many Cupboards. Me having a crazy right wing stalker is sort of like Bob Marley getting hate mail from NORML. It just don't quite scan.

Um, what else? What else? Gonna grab some foffeee. Hang on a sec. See, I gotta get my head right. It's all very well and fine on Th' Orchestra where I'm expected to be as angry and funny and chaotic as I want but over here I just look like a-a-a a-hole. And th' other thing is it's Ned's blog and it should be about Ned and I'm just underlining my youngest-child narcissism and it don't look good. I mean, you see how I'm already stinking it up with me, me, me? I don't god damn mean to.

And people come here for a taste of sanity and consideration, right? How's this for taste and sanity? Not so much, hey? A crazed, coffee-twisted, bottle-blond dude with a stalker who's all about his self? Sweet!

One good thing about a stalker is they don't mind if you talk about yourself a lot.

Ha ha ha ha.

Crumbs, I'm going to late for my gig. I want you all to know that I love you very much indeed.

Except for you-know-who.

Heyyyy...this actually came out O.K.


roxtar said...

Ya' see? This is exactly why I wouldn't let my little brother listen to my records. "Seasons don't fear (click) don't fear (click) don't fear (clickzzzzzzzzip)ome on baby, we'll be able to fly."

Well, I guess this isn't as bad as that. Have you tried *69 on your crank Christer? (It's not as much fun as it sounds.....)

julia said...

hey there. pleesta meetcha.

You have kindof a rebellion thing going on, i see.

Bobby Lightfoot said...

No, sirree, not me. It's my brother. He's against Homeland Security and shit.

Are you, like, foreign?

Neddie said...

All very well with the Andy-n-Colin, but what's Angela Lansbury doing in that pic? Second from the left. Seems a bit incongruous, that.