Thursday, August 04, 2005

On Bullshit

[Pharyngulistas, Oracularistas, Kung Fu Monkoids et al., welcome! I know you've come to listen to Al Swearengen turn the air blue, and blue enough it shall turn presently, but after the show I'd like to invite you to visit my main page, where Mr. Wu supplies a measured counterpoint. Recently I've reviewed a Rickie Lee Jones concert, celebrated the straw boater adorning every male head attending the Scopes Monkey Trial, and examined, slack-jawed with wonder, a schoolboy's notebook from 1840 a neighbor lent me.]

Program Note: While The Jingo heads off to parts unknown to recover from the Recent Unpleasantness, the Management has invited friends of The Jingo to stand in.

Today's Guest Blogger: Al Swearengen

What the fuck are you looking at?

Just what do you find so goddamned arresting in my visage that makes you stare until I start to smell cat-piss and I want to take a fuckin' tick-bath in whiskey and lye soap to take the edge off the cocksucking discomfort?

I'm Al Swearengen and this is my joint -- who the fuck are you?

Ah, you're the cocksuckers Jingo said would be along. That's all right, then. Tickles my taint to meet you, have a snort -- on the fuckin' house. Well met, as the cocksucker once said.

Where's Jingo, you ask? The fuckin' hooplehead came in here last night, looking like death warmed the fuck over, telling dark and troublesome tales of abscesses where a Christian man shouldn't have fuckin' abscesses. I sent him upstairs with a ball of dope, some free and gratis pussy, and my assurance I'd summon Doc Cochrane if things got dire. Sometime in the middle of the night we heard a banshee scream -- like as not a regular occurrence here at the Gem -- and since then the emanations from Room Four have been as peaceful as the grave. He may be alive and pestering Trixie till she kicks him in the giblets to achieve some relief -- or he may have shuffled off this mortal coil in a transport of fuckin' lubricity. None of my business if he has. More fodder for Wu's pigs, unless you'd like to claim the body for decent burial back East. Talk to Dan. We can preserve the body in the creek until you make a fucking decision.

But he did ask me to pass along a few observations before he took up his deathbed, and as a man of my word I'll discharge my fucking duty.

First, he asked me to let you in on a sure bet, to line your pockets and feed the hungry mouths that plague your household:

Should the opportunity arise to place a wager in a contest of wits -- a timed competition that consists of naming the ordinal numbers between one and ten, and consigning each one into its rightful category of Odd or Even -- between a large box of greasy carpet-fluff coagulated around a wad of half-chewed pig's-knuckle on the one hand, and the current cocksucking President of the United States of America on the other, you'd be a gibbering fool if you didn't take the dust-bunnies and the point spread.

What else, Neddie asks, are we to make of the intelligence eructed in Monday's Washington Post, wherein Hooplehead Bush declares -- more or less accidentally, just off-the-cuff like -- the equal intellectual standing of Darwinian science and cocksucking Creationism -- that the two should be presented side-by-side, let the student decide the relative merits. Thus in one fell (and I do mean fell!) swoop, 150 years of science, during which enormous exquisitely balanced, peer-reviewed and battle-tested biological wedding-cakes of scintillating scientific discovery were erected to the wonder and admiration of educated people everywhere, are placed, willy-fucking-nilly, in direct competition with a retrograde piss-take of a brain-dead idea that was laughed at by serious thinkers a hundred years before Darwin ever heard the word Beagle! By means of this casual off-the-cuff remark, it's to be noted, huge swaths of perfervid cretins, whose intellectual Parnassus is occupied by the sniggering (and very rich) carney Tim LaHaye, are further encouraged to sway and jibber hosannahs to the righteousness of a theological movement of the intellectual credibility of a cocksucking Mother Goose rhyme.

You drown in a sea of Rank Bullshit. It shrieks at you every day from field and fountain, moor and mountain. And it pains me to say it, but the longer we humans live, the greater the reservoir of accumulated knowledge, the easier it becomes for Bullshit to hold sway. You know the phrase, the cocksucker "knows just fuckin' enough to be dangerous"? That's humanity's fuckin' epitaph, boys. That's what the the cockroaches will carve on your tombstone when it's time to plow under the blackened subdivisions and the crusted industrial parks and let the cocksucking cupboard pests take over.

Stupid people like you -- who know just enough to dislike your jibbering idiot President and nothing at all about how to play rough to rid yourselves of him -- have allowed clever cocksuckers like, well, like me, I suppose, to impose a New Order on you. Here's the New Social Contract, in a nutshell:
We, the Party of the First Part, will tell You, the Party of Whatever the Fuck We Want to Call You, whatever the fuck we need to, to convince you to buy enough of some fucking useless shiny crap to keep this hustle going so we can relieve you of pretty much all the fucking scratch you possess. You, honoring your half of this inviolable contract, will buy the all of the fucking useless shiny crap we supply. You will not ask questions.

Signed, Al Swearengen.
This -- not the Constitution, not the Bill of Rights, not the fuckin' Port Huron Statement or Chairman Mao's Little Red Book -- is the Law of the Land: You will fuckin' buy what you are goddamned told to buy, and if you don't you will answer immediately to the Highest Authority. You will spend extra on Christmas, and if you fail to display prominently on your person the multifarious cocksucking logos of the producers of the shiny crap you are contractually obligated to buy, you will be ostracized with prejudice.

And you, you sucker of suckers, you hooplehead to rule all hoopleheads, continue to service this contract without stringing people like me up by the balls.


Well, enjoy your whiskey and pussy. I'm off to see a man about a pig.


Anonymous said...

well, alright then, eh?

Employee of the Month said...

Communication leaves me out of touch
You say it means nothing, well, nothing much
Like the sign on the door, too hard too see too soft to touch
The Age of Reason is out to lunch

Anonymous said...

Fuckin' A, man.

Anonymous said...

Al Swearengen for President.

Anonymous said...

I'll second that. What a platform-- get the perfervid cretins out.

Anonymous said...

Swearengen to Cy Tollover, owner of the Bella Union:

It's top bad we can't just hit those Intelligent Design Cocksackers in the head, take their farkin' political power, and throw their bodies in the creek!

Tolliver responds smarmingly, "But that would be wrong."

John S. Wilkins said...

At last the text of the New Social Contract. Glad to have it spelled out at last.

Molly, NYC said...

Okay, this is a sterling example of why I don't have my own blog: On the best, most lucid, literate day of my life, I could never write this good.

Molly, NYC said...

. . . well. I could never write this well. Ah, damn.

Anonymous said...

Fuckin-a, Al. You're a cocksucker who should have own fucking blog!

(Pardon the slang, ladies.)

Winter Patriot said...

E.O.T.M. warms my frozen little heart with a quote from David Fenton!!

Don't let the trains getcha!

Anonymous said...

>> (Pardon the slang, ladies.)

Oh, I speak slang...

Anonymous said...

everyone around me in the room is laughing and giving high fives. i wish i could read.

Rich said...

May I have some more whiskey and pussy, please?


Anonymous said...

Now..If Lincoln had spoken as straight - laced as Sweringen I would've patted the cunt on the back rather than shoot him in the fuckin' head.

J. Wilkes Boothe

Anonymous said...

Those fucking hoopleheads in congress have fucked me over once to fucking often. They took the fucking bribes & are now demanding more. Dan, get the fucking sled ready & then organise a disturbance at the other end of Town, I don't want that cunt Bullock knowing what the fuck I'm doing !....

Anonymous said...

Poor, Al... You just don't get it. You are frankly the biggest dupe and fool of them all. Apparently so is your loyal following. You like to think of yourself as the common man intellectual. You are nothing more than the typical religious leader who is leading a mindless following.

As a saved child of christ and a scientist (chemist & chemical engineer) who abhores our political state, our religious state and pretty much the entire state that you represent, I do wish to pass to you and the rest of the folks on this site some simple information that I hope you will read with an open and honest mind.

First, I understand your profanity. It is used as your flavoring for your fictitious life.

I could care less about your writing accents. My single point that I do care about is that you should know, understand and believe that evolution is science fiction in the extreme. It is clouded with a perverse mixture of facts and lies and it makes it one of the most deceitful religions ever foisted upon the unthinking masses.

Your puerile attempts to present yourself as a crass but knowledgeable and opinionated writer works to deceive other folks who can only follow you. This is a very dangerous position for a religious leader like yourself and George Bush.

I want to present one simple truth to you and all of your religious followers. That truth is the gospel of Christ Jesus.

First, you can cuss as much as you like. Christ does not care. You can profain as much as you like. Christ does not care. Christ would have all men to be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth.

Salvation does not come through words or through deeds. It comes through faith in Christ that he died on the cross for all of your sins and that if you believe that he died on the cross for your sins, was buried with those sins and that those sins were left in the grave with his resurrection, then you will be saved by Christ. You need no Pope. You need no man of any kind for salvation, You do not have to do good works.

If you believe on Christ, you cannot follow the religion of Evolution or the religion of George Bush.

Now here is the scripture that provides for salvation:

First Corinthians 15 verses 1 through 4.

So why have I presented this to you and your followers? Because the gospel must be told to all mankind. It is the only way to be saved, there is NO other way. Your following of the so called Scientific religion will lead you straight to hell along with your followers. I would not be doing my duty if I did not expose the truth to you.

I know that at the first reading of my post that both you and your followers will be very angered by my statements. But I have not said these things to anger you. I truly, only desire that you learn the truth for yourself and that you accept Christ as your saviour. Your life is very short on this earth and once you are dead, you will know all the truth that there is to know and it will be too late for you. Please do read the bible (the King James Version) which is the inspired word of God. Please read Romans through Philemon. These are the books that are written to our age of Grace. Please read the bible in private and with an open mind and heart and pray for the Lord to help you understand his word.

If you do this and you believe his word, your entire outlook will change because you will truly KNOW the truth of this world. You will not be deceived and you will not be a dupe of Bush, the Pope or the fictional character Al Swearengen.

Anonymous said...

"You will not be deceived and you will not be a dupe of Bush, the Pope or the fictional character Al Swearengen."

True, you'll be the dupe of a story book instead.

Happy to, errr, cocksucking help . . .

Anonymous said...

Hi all,

Hope you don't mind, but I posted a link to this blog/blog post at:

I read a posting there (in the discussion section) about Bush being drunk and using profanity during his recent trip to Latin America. The RI post first cited Wayne R Madsen--not exactly a solid, 'mainstream' source--but later, a follow-up post said Wolf Blitzer of CNN had described the president as doing an impression of Al Swearengen. I don't get HBO so I goodle 'Al Swearengen'. I skipped from one site to another of those listed by google, and they agreed on a general version of the Swearengen character--BUT your post conveyed that character exceptionally now it's part of that RI discussion in case others there needed a guide to Blitzer's refence.

If you don't want that link there, post a comment and I'll pull it/edit it to make it anonymous.

I'll set it up so I'm alerted to any postings on that thread, so I should know if you leave word there.

--A pepsified thinker

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dell Graphics Cards said...

It's top bad we can't just hit those Intelligent Design Cocksackers in the head, take their farkin' political power, and throw their bodies in the creek!


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