Tagged? What's That?

One finds oneself tagged.

1. What's in your pocket?

Why don't you just reach on in there and find out?

2. Is the pork ready?

Why don't you just reach on in there and find out?

3. Have you ever had to rock to and fro to make your poopie go?

Make my poopie go what? Bang? Home? Vroom-vroom? Honestly, the question is shamefully vague.

4. Do you like onions?

Better than getting smacked in the face with a garden rake, but not as well as breaking shovels over peoples' heads.

5. So, how big is it?

Why don't you just reach on in there and find out?

6. Budweiser or real beer?

I prefer imaginary beer, made from virgins' milk and the hops that grow on the banks of the River Alph. Lightly hopped, with an unpretentious nose, an insouciant aftertaste, and a redolence of summer afternoons spent playing croquet on professionally sun-dappled lawns.

7. What do you feel about your nose?

It's pretentious as hell. With a souciant aftertaste.

8. Children: Baked or broiled?

They're very good braised with shallots and a white-wine sauce.

9. Do you like it when I do this?

Why don't you just reach on in there and find out?

10. Do you like the sound of chickens?

Cluckity-cluckity-cluck, all the livelong day. How do they amuse themselves so?

11. Would Beyonce clip her own toenails?

Izzat some kind of filthy euphemism the kids are using these days? 'Cos if it is, I'd like to watch.

12. Do you like pork?

I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may tend to discriminate me.

13. If the butter is soft, does the bus arrive on time?

Another euphemism, I make me no doubt. Let's see -- butter, bus... Yep. Euphemism.

14. When do you get up?

Why don't you just reach on in there and find out?

15. How did you survive childhood?

By reaching on in there and finding out.

16. What do you do before bed?

I reach on in there and find out.

17. What are your hidden charges?

Well, if I told you, they wouldn't be hidden, now, would they? You'll find out soon enough.

18. Who's behind you?

That's a bit of a paranoid question, isn't it? Oh, all right: The Bavarian Illuminati. Happy now?

19. Why don't people go to the bathroom on TV?

Because of the hideous expense of replacing your set all the time.

20. What's a soylent green popsicle?

Why don't you just reach on in there and find out?

21. What does it taste like?

Why don't you just reach on in there and find out?

22. Why doesn't Consumer Reports rate hookers?

Apparently you missed last month's ish: "We Test 14 Women Willing to Reach On In There and Find Out for $300."

23. Does George Bush replace the toilet paper tube?

Does a ripping good job of it, too -- only thing he's ever done right. He's a little bulky in the wall-sconce, but once you get all the paper wrapped around him he rotates real nice.

One finds oneself wondering how Bobby Lightfoot would respond to the questionnaire. And GlueBirl.