Tuesday, February 28, 2006

A Brief Anecdote

A Scottish gentleman was heard to hold forth in a public establishment.

"D'ye see that fence over there?" asked the man, pointing out the window. "I built that fence with my own two hands. I cut the wood and set each post. And do they call me Angus the Fence Setter? Nae, they dinnae!"

He took a large pull at his pint and pointed to a nearby barn outside.

"An' d'ye see that barn over there? I helped raise that barn. I pulled my weight and more to raise it upright, facing the heavens. And do they call me Angus the Barn Builder? Nae!"

Another libation. He warmed to his topic.

"You see that road out there?" He pointed with his crook out the door. "I built that road, each mile of it, by the sovereign sweat of my ain brow. And do they call me Angus the Road Paver? They dae no'!"

A deep and bitter draft made its way down his gullet.

"But you go and fuck just ONE goat..."


XTCfan said...

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.

That's very heart-warming news, especially given today's high divorce rates.

oxewl (what Mr. Alifi said when he later found Mr. Tombe with his ox)

blue girl said...

I agree with xtcfan, that is quite the heart-warming story. I hope they live happily ever after.

Mudge said...

Ca. 1975. You go to school, you study..etc. and they don't call you a physicist..but suck one lousy cock..

Nice to see it cleaned up (?) a bit and recycled.

Will Divide said...

writer moves way out to the country. none of his neighbors pay any attention to him for months, then one day a guy comes over in a pickup.

'i'm havin' a party saturday and you're invited.'

'thanks!' said the writer.

'one thing though,' the neighbor says, 'there's gonna be some drinkin'.'

'fine,' sez the writer. 'what's a party without drinking?'

'and after the drinkin' there's bound to be some fightin'.'

'well... i think i can take care of myself, thanks.'

'and after the fightin' there gonna be some fuckin'.'

'wow,' the writer says. 'sounds like a wild party. who's going to be there?'

neighbor smiles and says, 'just you.'

roxtar said...

It was a cold and rainy night in Stockholm, as cold and rainy as only a night in Stockholm can be. Through the doors of the public house came 17th Century French mathematician and philosopher Rene Descartes. Descartes shook the rain from his mackinaw and strode purposely to the bar.

"God kvall, Doktor Descartes!" chirped the buxom, blonde barmaid, her flaxen braids framing her face in the firelight. "May I offer you a draught of our very own aquavit?", she asked.

Descartes stroked his chin whiskers for a moment and replied, "No, Helga, I think not."

And he ceased to be.

fgfdsg said...

I overheard this story as a child in the late 70's, although the character was Irish.

Still makes me laugh though.

Derryl Murphy said...

A rather innocent tourist is walking the highlands and he sees someone off in the distance. He finally gets close enough to see a surprised-looking Scot with his kilt hiked up and standing at the business end of a sheep.

"Howdy," says the visitor. "Are ya shearin'?"

"Och, nae," says the Scotsman. "Get one of yer own!"


Neil Shakespeare said...

LOL! Thanks for laugh, N.

Bob Dwire said...

Best treatment of the story I've seen yet.

Which reminds me, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsamn walk into a bar.

The barman says: "What is this, some sort of joke."

Annapolitan said...

The farm equipment salesman of a small town ran into a friend at the local diner. Sam was sitting at the end of the counter, hunched over a cup of coffee with his head in his hands.

"Hey, Sam, you're looking down! What's the matter?"

"John, I've had a hard day and it's only morning. You know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the stall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall."

"Ouch!" John shook his head. "That IS a hard way to start your day."

Sam took a sip of his coffee. "That's not the half of it. Just as my pants fell down, my wife walked in. Now I have to convince her I was just going to MILK that cow."

vixska - Swedish vixen

The Viscount LaCarte said...

Hear the one about the ultra-anti-choice-right-winged-hypocrite?

uwfhto - you f**ked what?

Anonymous said...

Animal husbandry...?

Anonymous said...

Angus was visiting his American cousin and they went to a baseball game. Knowing nothing about the game, Angus took a while to catch onto the rules, but he did understand that the players ran from base to base. So, when one batter was walked, he stood up and screamed, "Run, man, RUN!"

His cousin tugged on Angus' kilt. "It's OK, it's OK, he doesn't need to run, he got four balls."

Angus was speechless for a moment, then shouted even louder, "Walk with pride, man, walk with pride!"

lalkxf--what you use in IM to indicate that you're laughing at what they wrote but you have to leave because a friend with privileges just showed up.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and another one that's fairly timely:

An Irish guy walks into the bar in America and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes them to a table and sits down, by himself, and starts taking sips at each pint in turn. He's about halfway through when the bartender comes over and says, "You know, it's really no trouble for me to pour a fresh pint when you're done with one--you don't need to buy all three at once."

The Irish guy smiles broadly and says, "Oh no, you see, they're not all for me. My two brothers and I all emigrated at the same time, and Padraic is in London and Proinsias is in Sydney, and I'm here, so we promised each other that we'd have a pint together every day."

It made for a cute story, so eventually all of the bar regulars got to know about Seamus and his two brothers. He repeated the ritual every day at the same time. And then one day, Seamus comes in and orders only two pints. The bartender has him repeat his order, and watches Seamus take his pints to his regular table. The other bar regulars are whispering to each other, and finally the bartender goes over to Seamus, who was taking sips off of each pint, and says hesitantly, "I'm very sorry for your loss, Seamus... was it Padraic or Proinsias?"

Seamus looked confused. "Sure and I don't know what you mean?"

The bartender said, "Well, you've only got the two pints there..."

Seamus looked puzzled for a few seconds longer, and then a smile split his face. "Oh, no, they're fine, they're fine. See, it's that I, myself, have given up drinking for Lent."

jikbf--salty, chewy, goes well with Guinness, possibly organic in origin.

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