Monday, February 20, 2006

Truth is Beauty, Beauty Truth

So Wonder Woman and I got into it over a bucketload of General Tso's Chicken this afternoon at the Sharpenin' Mall. I hope the General don't mind. Evvybody always eatin his chicken. A fella could get nervous.

No, we were there waitin for the Sears boys to call sayin they'd put a new battery into the Nissan Smashfinder. They said they could do it for a few clackers, and we took em up on it. We attackted the General meantime.

She, my Lovely Paintress Better Half, looked out over the crowd of pluguglies in the Food Court while she chewed some chickengristle. She waxed Christian, who didn't cavil.

"The most beautiful faces here are the ugliest. Look at that woman over there [late fifties, jaw collapsed, never had a chin, bugeyes, nasty sweater]. What would Lucian Freud have made of her? Isn't she Truly Beautiful?"

I remonstratified, setting forth the Libertarian argyment, which have always stood me in goot stood. "Lucian Freud?" I refarted, "Who the sharkin' pluck ever gave him any money? I'm tellin you now, here's de troof, don't ye know, here's de corksoakin troof:

"That thing is beautiful that you want to give lots of money to."

Wondie and me had a big larff over it, an then we warrant our semperate ways. She and Betty stalked off for some cotton apparel; Freddie and I went for haircuts. The both of us had gotten a mite Hirsute.

At Bubbles Haircuttifyin Salon, we made an inconvenient display. The confused menials dithered until the strongest among them dithered meaningfully, "I think we can take a couple of walk-ins, but we'll see who's free."

Who was free was simply the most astonishingly deliciously toothsome blonde pixie gamine to be observed in this or any other lifetime, all fishnet-sweater-over-bare-shoulder and nine-inch tattooed hips. She just popped into the equasion and chirped, "I can take you now!"

Any heathero-sexual human male woulda did something like this:

Completely unable to trust myself to behave like a genitalman, I shunted the responsibility off to my twelve-year-old. You go first, son, you'll thank me later...

When the haircuts were done....

I tipped her $600.

I was right all along.


Gavin M. said...

Dear America People,

We tell General that he will soon have plate of chicken, but then someone eats it. This is going on for decades.

If restaurant say, 'Buy here General Tso's Chicken,' please do not buy. When you do, General goes hungry and is upset. It is not funny.

Thank You,
China People

treepeony said...

Ricky Santorum lives in one of the Loudoun McMansions you have so contemptuously made famous. Seems like an appropriate place for the senator to live.

treepeony said...

Sorry--meant to give you the URL for the American Prospect story about Ricky. Here:

treepeony said...

A lovely portrait of Ricky's lovely Loudoun County country home:

roxtar said...

I get the impression that it's about time for you to have the talk with your youngun'.

No, no...not that talk, The one that goes, "Son, not every thought needs to be expressed, nor every story told, nor every cosmetologist described to your mother."

Also, a sudden concern for ones tonsorial identity could lead to a hairy confrontation. In other words, no. You don't need a haircut. You just had one last week.

Carl said...

It's like the Onion says... Unemployment rate among hot women still at 0%.

The Viscount LaCarte said...

Enjoyable post Ned. I hope you ate some Altoids after that lunch, or I'd hate to see her blog entry today...

XTCfan said...

"I can take you now!"

Given that your hair (and whatnot) was standing on-end, it was that much easier for her to earn that tip...

Matt said...

love the image from The Mask. At first glance, I thought it was a reaction-shot taken of me while I watched Tanith Belbin perform Olympic ice-dancing.

For a real-life version of that Jim-Carrey look, check out the screenshots of Al Pacino in this post.

khzpynp: The Kazakhstan pimp who forced Yelena Grushina to add boob tassles to her ice-dancing outfit.

Bobby Lightfoot said...

Jesus, you guys are ALL funnier'n me. I'm not even going to try. Christ.

The chick in th' painting has a froist li'l bawx.

aregr- somewhat less than "de" regr.

Sluggo said...

"That thing is beautiful that you want to give lots of money to."

Sorry, mcmansions aren't beatuiful.

I never thought of the military/defense department as beautiful, but I guess, in a certain light... health care entitlements were never that beautiful either, although nurses I have know could have been so described.

mmmm, nurses....

bqwyo - wyoming burqa, usually in blaze orange

Allan Connery said...

"She waxed Christian, who didn't cavil."

Nice one, right down to "cavil." Were you channelling S. J. Perelman?